The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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