she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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