I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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