Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
