twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
