The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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