i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
