Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
