I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
