What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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