I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
