my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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