Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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