Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
