He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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