I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
