my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
