i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
