I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
