Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
