I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Randomize
