So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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