apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
