Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
