I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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