i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Walk of Shame today included voting.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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