i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
