I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
