PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
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i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
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Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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