You smell like stripper and shame
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
