Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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