y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
