Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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