I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
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he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
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I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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