My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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