You just made me feel so damn special
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
