Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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