I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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