I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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