come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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