It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
