Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
