Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
