Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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