Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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