yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
