i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
