What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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