I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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