That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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