I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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