I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
