We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
