I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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