my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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