Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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